Equation for a Healthy, Romantic Relationship

I do a lot of thinking. A lot. I find myself sitting in my apartment in silence sometimes, finally snapping out of it to forcefully turn music on so I at least look like I'm doing something. But the secret is, I'm not ever really listening to the music - I'm swept deep in reflection and analysis. The subject that relentlessly seeps into these moments is Relationships - both romantic and platonic. These are questions I often ask myself:

• Why do relationships that seem perfect "on paper" oftentimes fail?
• Throwing all else aside, what are the uncompromisable elements of a successful romantic relationship?
• What family relationships do people replicate in looking for a romantic partner?
• Should best friends try dating, as people preach friends have the best foundation for a romantic happiness?
• Do opposites attract, or should you date someone who reminds you of yourself?

Among many others. Through my own experience and observation, answers to these questions are continually changing as new questions emerge. However, I have come to a couple conclusions I feel are "tried and true" in determining what makes for a healthy romantic relationship.

(Bear in mind, the following elements assume your person-of-interest is honest and trustworthy, as some may be tempted to comment that those are important elements too. I don't mean personality traits here, but rather what makes people compatible)

1) Have a Thing or Two In Common

First and foremost, in order to have a successful romantic relationship, one's romantic partner should share the same convictions, passions, and/or life-paths. While these three components are different, they are undeniably in cahoots. For example, if two individuals have the same convictions, their passions are probably the same. Similarly, if two individuals have the same passions, their life-paths are probably parallel. If you and your love interest do not share the same viewpoints on one or more of these elements, you risk compromising things that are important to you. These compromises might include:

• Moving away from your treasured home so he/she can pursue their dreams / take job opportunities.
• Not sharing the same ideas about how to raise children, or how many children to have (if any).
• Religious commitments like working the mission field or actively attending services due to the other's aversion to traveling, or conversely their desire to travel away from your church family on a regular basis.

Also, you risk becoming intimate with someone who does not understand or appreciate issues that are important to you - these might look like:

• political views
• positions on social or ethical issues
• general hobbies you take pride in

It can be hard to respect, even like someone, if their opinions on these issues are too different from yours. You might find you're attracted to someone and have good chemistry with them, but if you share completely different ethical views a relationship simply could not work. If there are inconsistencies in some of these areas you can still maintain a happy relationship if the love you feel for that person is genuine and more important than the elements you may have to compromise. However, if there are too many differences you may find widening rifts in your relationship as the two of you do not connect on enough non-romantic levels. In other words, you just might be incompatible.

2) Share A Laugh

In addition to sharing some of the same passions, convictions, and/or life paths, it is important you and your partner have good chemistry - and what makes for good chemistry is possessing the same sense of humor. While finding a partner who shares the same passions will give the two of you a strong sense of common ground, without the same sense of humor, chemistry will be painfully lacking. If you can't make each other laugh you will either bore each other or feel like you can't open up and be yourself. Take two individuals who appear to be perfect for each other on the surface, but imagine their humors are too different for romantic success:

Two twenty-something college students both joined the Young Politicians organization on campus, both enjoy indie music and traveling. On top of that, they are attracted to each other. After attending a few sessions of the organization, he discovered she was quiet and darkly quick-witted, he however, was boisterous and "The Red Green Show" goofy. Soon he found she seemed too stand-offish and sarcastic, oftentimes offending him with her jokingly-jabbing comments. She thought he was too immature and sensitive to take seriously.

As you can see, they were not only attracted to one another, but had things in common. However, these elements wouldn't be enough if he'd annoy her and she'd offend him. If two individuals share the same sense of humor, not only with they be lovers, but best friends.

3) The Laws of Attraction

The Last element in a healthy, passionate relationship is physical attraction. The bottom line is: no matter how much you enjoy someone's company, if you don't find them at all physically attractive you are cutting yourself short. There is nothing to feel guilty about if you don't see someone in a romantic light because you aren't attracted to them. If you date someone you like as a person but there is an unavoidable lack of physical attraction, the relationship is forced and you are only hurting yourself and that individual - the relationship is unlikely to last. You are lying to yourself if you think you can hide your lack of attraction; you'll be less inclined to shower them with affection and respect. Similarly, you may have never discovered all of the wonderful things you had in common with that girl or guy at the local coffee shop if you didn't first think they were cute - it's a sort of natural progression of things. Just as you wouldn't date someone you have nothing in common with, you probably shouldn't date someone you don't find attractive.

Studies show that the happiest relationships are among those individuals who are evenly matched physically. This isn't to say they should look alike, but that on a simple 1-5 ranking system (this same system is oftentimes discussed in Psychology texts) they are within one number from each other. For example, a man who ranks himself a 2 would be happier with a "3-ranked" woman than a woman he ranks as a 5. Hard to believe? Think of it this way: how long do you think a 2 ranked man could last watching 5 ranked men checking out his 5 ranked wife/girlfriend? He would be painfully struck with insecurities.

True it's difficult to objectively rank an individuals attractiveness because everyone finds different features attractive - "beauty lies in the eye of the beholder" - so what's most important is that you think your partner is a 5 and he/she thinks you're a 5 as well! You and your partner have to feel equally matched physically. In instances when you find someone you genuinely think is the most handsome/beautiful person you know, the two of you will swell with love and security.

Are there any aspects that you think are uncompromisable that I've overlooked? Comments, please! I'd love more questions profound enough to occupy my thoughts the rest of the afternoon.

"Strict Joy" Just O.K.

When I stepped into Starbucks on their Christmas-drink-debut to pick up my first beloved eggnog latte, I spotted The Swell Season's new album "Strict Joy," and was totally giddy.

I first became acquainted with this duo (Glen Hansard from the Irish band, The Frames and Marketa Irglova, a Czech classical pianist and vocalist) in the independent Irish film "Once," which premiered in 2007.

The two musicians collaborated before the films completion in writing and performing the entire soundtrack. The movie itself was, as Steven Spielberg put it, inspirational enough to last the rest of the year. As for the soundtrack, simply magical. I'm a big sucker for good harmonies and this soundtrack oozes them.

The musicians new album, composed under the name The Swell Season, falls comparably short. The songs lack the magic of the tunes featured in "Once," and I find the harmonies awkward. I enjoyed Irglova's lovely little voice so much in "Once," and was disappointed to find her drowned out by Hansard in their new album.

Irglovas vocals in "Feeling the Pull" and "In These Arms," are bothersome and insecure, but sweet in "Fantasy Man." Hansards vocals sound desperately poppy in "The Rain," a stray from his decidedly raspy/soulful folky sound, though redeem themselves with a catchy, climactic ending.

I really do enjoy some of the tracks, such as "High Horses," which features those interesting harmonies and Irglova's voice sounds brighter than in the rest of the album.

I'm sure if I give the album a few more listens I'll appreciate it more than I do now, I was just hoping for the near perfection found in "Once."

To every "Beardo" out there!

A friend of mine has been vigilantly nurturing his growing beard and posted a funny blog address on his twitter account that I'd like to share with you all - this girl is a crack-up. Check out her blog here.

I haven't the faintest idea how she can makes such sturdy and... beautiful (?) beards. Never thought to use "beautiful" in reference to beards, but it is evident she has incredible attention to detail and these synthetic beards will last you a lifetime!

Halloween costume addition, anyone?

what will they think of next?

Apple shocks me time and time again at their unconquerable ability to create stylish, beautiful electronics. The humble computer mouse is at last receiving first-class treatment!

WRITER'S BLOCK

writer's skyscraper - writer's Great Wall...I'm not sure what to call it, but I've got a bad case of it.

While in school I seemed to by flooded with interesting things to write about, but now I've got nothin'! It may be the fact that while at school I was painfully bored with my life half of the time and writing was my only interesting alternative. Now, however, I spend my days working, with Cameron and my sister and writing falls by the wayside. Sometimes a worn out girl just likes to sit on her bum and do nothing, okay! But doing nothing is counter-productive and doesn't prepare myself for a future of (cross-my-fingers) professional writing.

I tend to think someone needs money to do interesting things in order to have interesting things to talk about, but I hope this isn't true. If you have any free activities in the area to suggest I'd be grateful, for this cash-strapped college student is pinching pennies harder than she ever has before.

Life in Limbo... Again?!?

Celebratebig.com

I've learned through living random spurts of my young life in Spokane that I cannot be simultaneously alone and at peace. Not totally at peace, that is. Of course I'm relaxed, though I can't escape feeling unsettled.

My disconnect to the rest of the world while I'm here is the element that strips me from total happiness. I can't seem to escape the images of old friends skipping about town arm-in-arm, snapping wide-smiling photographs to capture their carefree moments together. I've had a lot of moments like these with friends, though aren't all things lovely when admired in retrospect? Memories let in all the laughter without imperfections associated with a group of imperfect people: competition, passive-aggressiveness and selfishness. Despite social pressures, I'd much prefer plights of passive-aggressive competition among teenage girls than endure a weekend by myself. Oh the sacrifices of a having a social life, right?

A weekend all to yourself. Some may find the idea enticing, though the thought of keeping myself preoccupied all day is painful. Sure there are worst things in life, though it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and all I have to show for it is a completed load of laundry, an unloaded-and-reloaded dishwasher, a few chapters of a book read, and three Facebook status updates. Oh, and this morning my Dad washed my last set of contacts down the sink (don't ask, my contact case is M.I.A.. I depended on one of Ikea's colorful plastic cups as a substitute).

As if being blind and alone isn't enough (over-dramatic? Yes. Though I bet you haven't spent nearly 48 hours in solitude) it's an absolutely gorgeous day outside. At least if it were raining I'd have half an excuse not to do anything with myself. My brother and I talked briefly about playing some tennis, until I remembered my recent loss of vision gives him a significant advantage.

In addition, this weekend is Seattle's Folklife, a congregation of young wanna-be hippies and pseudo-folkies sharing a love for ethnic foods, crappy to impressive local arts & crafts, and indie-folk music. Although the event is oftentimes a gathering place for pretentious young teens escaping their oppressive suburban upbringings, there's a fair share of interesting people worth meeting, plus the weather is always fabulous.

Folklife has, for the past couple of years, been my inauguration into summer; though this year will have to be missed. This is an entirely different story, as my laziness drove me to ride along with my Mom to the west side last week instead of driving my car, forcing me to leave with her a day before the festivities began to pick my car up.

So here I am, thinking of the fun I'll be missing out on. Being alone isn't as bad when you know others are just as bored as you are. It's selfish of me to wish boredom over my friends, though it's only fair!

Heck, if I can't have a fabulous time, have enough fun for the both of us. I feel like I'm the kind of person who always gets gipped in the fun department, and for this I've created an official Summer To-Do List, so when Fall comes around I won't feel like I missed out on anything. It gives me a goal, a game plan.

Once I make a to-do list, it must be completed. Thus, my first item can be checked: Write Something.

Today my friend Colleen and I were enjoying some heavy indie beats in the car, occasionally adding our own sounds to the chaos when it dawned on us: we've entered a musical era, which in some ways, parallels Modern Art movements.

The goal of Modern Art movements such as Impressionism, Post-Impressionism, Fauvism, etc. was to create an emotional experience for the viewer. The art wasn't as concerned about the subject matter, but the spiritual effects it had upon the viewer while contemplating art. That profound experience became the goal of the artists, and they experimented with any style available to them in order to accomplish this.

Whenever my mom and I get in the car, whether to drive across the state or hop in the car for a quick cup of coffee, I bring with me a stack of CDs along for the ride. Every time, without fail, my mom pokes fun at the empty lyrics. "Now what in the world does (insert empty lyric) mean?" "...I don't know? But isn't it a great song?" I reply.

But what makes them great? I realize as she repeats the words I never thought to really listen to them before, but why? The musicians accomplished creating such unique and powerful instrumental sounds, words became unnecessary in evoking the emotions they were trying to convey to their listeners. Fast and upbeat instrumentals energize, while more slow tunes cause the listener to become reflective, or relaxed.

However, I have a strong aversion to music with a catchy tune, but paired with pathetically weak lyrics whose lines repeat an intoxicating number of times (think "Stanky Leg"). I have a difficult time enjoying the song despite how entertaining the beats may be, as the irritating loop of words seems copy-and-pasted onto my subconscious for the next few hours.

Of course there are mainstream exceptions. I've contemplated the deep words of artists like Benjamin Gibbard, Conor Oberst and Sufjan Stevens (and there are no doubt hundreds more musicians who can actually write), but a disturbingly larger fan base has established for musicians known for catchy tunes, while the annoying words paired with the beats are ignored.

Will the music world ever be revamped to its former glory of the turbulent '60s and 70s, when young and adult alike found refuge in the revolutionary words of Bob Dylan, John Lennon, or Paul Simon? Will songs really fighting for something flood the worlds speakers again, or are we cursed to hear ones like "Soulja Boy," or "Hot N Cold," on eternal repeat?